Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
