I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
