my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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