Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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