i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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