WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
