I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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