i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
