They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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