I haven't been this sober since birth.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
