I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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