you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
