I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
did you just send me my own nude
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
