I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
They took my balls.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
