Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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