I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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