i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
