genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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