Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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