I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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