The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I touched a dick in church today
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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