Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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