My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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