So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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