Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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