There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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