I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
