He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
