Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
