Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
