I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
