Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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