life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
