my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
