Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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