my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
