No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
