My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
