What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
