All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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