It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
