at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
