3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
