Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
