he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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