he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
