Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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