I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
