he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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