"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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