I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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