Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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