My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
